This is a strange new sensation...

It's weird being single after a long-ish relationship. Going "Hey, I can look at guys...but I don't want to..." What's even weirder is trying to figure out how to act around your ex. Usually, after break ups of this calibur, I don't see them anymore. This time, that's not really an option. I have to work hard at censoring myself, trying not to say too much, do too much, call too much, or care too much. It's hard, because I still do care, I still care a lot, and there still might be a chance of us getting back together. I am not holding my breath, but with that chance dangling out there, I'm not sure how this is all gonna work.

Because I can't "hate" him. I still want/have to be friends with him, have to have a functional working relationship, at the very least. It wasn't so bad when I could go "Well, he was a jerk anyway" and feel entitled to a small pity party involving sweatpants, cookie dough, and french fries, set off perfectly by a sappy chick flick where the girl always gets the guy. Or vice versa. Our relationship was never "bad" per se, it just wasn't as happy as it could have been. So I can't "hate" him. That makes it a lot harder to get over. But at least I've stopped crying!!!

My most delightful and wonderful friend Meghan sent me a great book this week that I have hated to put down to go to class. (I've never been tempted to hid one book inside the other in an attempt to read what I want, but this one is tempting me) It's called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. Yes, I know to many of you "guys" might call this sentimental drivel, but it's really helping me out right now. It's a guide to figuring out what you want as a woman, not just more standards that you don't live up to, but so far it's told me why 1) women love sappy movies and playing dress up and 2) Why I want to go on an adventure so bad and 3) When anyone says that beauty is evil, or a curse, they are wrong. Read it for yourself if you want to know how they build their argument, it's quite convincing in my mind.

Anyway, I have a stupid honors picnic to go to, and some dinner to get beforehand. Have fun, and I'll see you this summer....