Chugging along...

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a "woe is me" post. Just some "non-sensical ramblings of a Lunatic Mind"...

I am working on inner peace. I think it would be a nice thing to have, might possibly come in handy somewhere. I'm trying to do my work, pay attention to my residents, keep my room clean, and all that other stuff that you should possibly do to attain inner peace.

In short, I'm being a good girl.

For a good portion of my life I've struggled with this whole "good girl" thing. When I was little, I was a good girl. A hell of a brown noser. I hugged my first grade teacher every day and twice on Fridays and Mondays to make up for the weekend. I enjoyed tattling on my brother. I did my best to be the most perfect kid that my parents or teachers could ever want.

I think the main thing I got from this perfection is frustration. I hold myself to such an extreme of perfection that I can never measure up, and wind up really not liking myself in the process. I say "If only I was thinner/neater/smarter/funnier/prettier/more disciplined/richer/more organized" then my life would improve. Not. I am not really any of those things to the degree that I would like, and so I feel like my life doesn't improve.

So I guess right now when I say that I'm looking for inner peace, I'm really looking for the strength to forgive myself for not being as perfect as I think I should be. Maybe once I've forgiven myself, I can realize that perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be.